![]() ![]() “A lot of sex has always been violent, but the idea of it being agreed upon by all parties and involving a degree of violence or playing with violence and power… You see that in literature, certainly way back,” Florêncio says. “It’s like you’re betraying feminism, or you suffer from some kind of Stockholm Syndrome that makes you want your own oppression.” But the history of – and conversations around – consensual violent sex are likely as old as sex itself, he says. How could women, for example, want to experience something so violent? “If the patriarchy is violent and oppressive to women, and you are seen to desire things that look like that, something must be wrong with you,” says Dr João Florêncio, a senior lecturer in history of modern and contemporary art and visual culture at the University of Exeter. Shame around CNC stretches throughout the gender spectrum. “What would she think of me? How could she trust that I’m a safe, sane, compassionate, feminist man if I also get turned on by the idea of ‘violating’ her consent?” He was able to open up once his partner admitted she was also into the idea, too. “I felt a lot of fear admitting that I’m turned on by these themes,” he says. Mark struggled to bring it up to his wife of ten years. It’s sexual extreme sports,” he tells me over Twitter DMs.Ī lot of people who enjoy consensual non-consent, or suspect they do, feel ashamed to want to rape or be raped even in a pretend scenario. “The point of CNC is a way to have those real feelings in a way that is conscious, intentional, and risk aware. Strict boundaries, he says, are imposed through verbal and non-verbal safe words (like holding up a finger or tapping once to slow down and twice to stop entirely), though he feels that concentrating solely on that whitewashes the experience. Throughout our conversation, Mark stressed the need for both parties to cooperate when it comes to their expectations and agreeing not to engage in non-consensual sexual activity that wasn’t negotiated beforehand. ![]() (Like everyone else we talked to, he is speaking anonymously to protect his privacy.) Some people who practice it, such as Mark, 37, want to feel like a “dangerous, cruel and violent rapist, and partners want to feel helpless, afraid, unsafe and violated”. Mae wants CNC without the brutality, but this isn’t always the case. It’s about surrendering control for the submissive partner and exerting control for the dominant party, and for both it’s about indulging in something they wouldn’t want to be involved in if they didn’t have a say over the matter. Those who practice consensual non-consent enjoy different aspects of it, and know it’s not just about physical violence – though that does play a big part in the pleasure of it. There’s a lot of planning that goes into a CNC scene, and you can, in a way, think of participants as actors playing a role and exploring a desire that isn’t okay outside the realm of fantasy. Understandably, CNC elicits a visceral reaction in those who don’t enjoy it or know enough about it, though those who enjoy it say this comes from misconceptions and misinformation. ![]()
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